beyond the package; a little irony

We are all, more or less, seeking that other person who...well, what? Perfectly compliments us? Or utterly matches us?

I feel this battle, this internal debate near constantly. They say that opposites attract, but I think we've all learned that mere attraction only runs so deep. And your "perfect match" is "out there" (Match.com anyone? Been there. Lived that.), but if someone absolutely matches me, that is a recipe for boredom.

If my current not-really dating life, it's so much different than BB (Before Baby). I'm not just going with the flow or 'seeing where this leads' or even, really, completely, 'living in the moment'. Probably not good. But, right now, if there isn't a solid future potential there's just no point. I don't have the time or energy or head/heart space for that.

I have finally perhaps become the I Want A Husband girl. I really didn't intend to be this girl at 24. Or, maybe, ever. But I want a home, with a man to come home to (or oh goodness, who comes home to me), babies under foot, white picket damn fence.

And as I write this I think woman, this is what you've always wanted. Since I was toddling around kissing my babydolls. I am made to be a mother, and made to be a wife. Made to make a home. It is my heart.

Thus, a husband. Am I avidly searching? No.

But in half-assed 'dating' attempts, I realize and question so much. (Data gathering, right mom?)

How much 'perfect match' vs 'intriguing opposite' do I really want in a partner? And where does blind love take you? I know that really out of control love can lead you (me) down imperfect roads. Hard roads. And animal attraction? It's fun, but it's ultimately lonely. I have dreams of who I might end up with, and it's all lovely. But reality? Reality is that love is so undefinable, and uncontrollable.

Will I fall in love with a man who shares my every parenting practice? Who is my awkward blend of hippie and redneck? Will I find a person who wants exactly the same type of house I do? The same number of kids? The same taste in music and love for literature?

Probably not. And how much do those things matter? I've blamed those differences for a failed relationship, for...years. But then I realize it was so.much.bigger.

So what is really the key combination? I know there are no answers, but my questions are so so huge tonight. They feel as if they take all the space inside me. Push the air and fear out and oh how I dream dream of love. I doubt it, maybe still a little. But never fully. I half hearted worry that I'll dive down the wrong path again, get hurt all over. End up 'wasting' another year. Get caught up in how something looks and what could be and push too hard. Because it's all really heavy.

And then, I focus hard on how I want it to feel. And try to trust in the delivery.