I started writing this as a simple Facebook status update, but realized it was too much and too long, and ultimately too important not to blog on.
I've been dropping lots of hints, and a lot of people in my life already know my big life changes, but I want to start documenting my journey. So here we go.
This will be Eli's last week at his current daycare. It's been a good fit until now, but is no longer right for either one of us. I'm not going to delve too deeply into that, at least not now. But, while it is a perfectly fine daycare, and most likely a fabulous fit for a lot of parents and children, there are core beliefs that are not in line with my parenting. And I am finding it increasingly hard to maintain a continuity in his life, between my parenting and the daycare setting.
Beyond that, I have always struggled with him being away from me 8+ hours a day. It was not my parenting plan, nor is it an option for us anymore. The last few weeks have felt horribly wrong, dropping him off with big tears for us both. My heart in my throat, trying to convince myself it was 'normal', and 'other parents can do this'. It's not for us. I finally listened to myself and my sweet boy.
I am starting the process of becoming a licensed in-home daycare provider. This is a huge leap of faith, adjustment for both of us, and all around risk. I have no idea how the pieces are going to come together. I decided to take this journey less than a week ago. But that's how I am - once I decide whole-heartedly in something, I dive. Head first. And that's how I know it's right.
I was applying for full time outside-the-home jobs, had been for almost 2 months, when I finally stopped and stood still. Looked myself in the eye and asked "why has this not been happening?" I was very halfhearted in my job search, and something felt vibrationally off. It came in a big rush of relief and tears: that was no longer my path. I said to hell with it and to hell with the doubts and most importantly to hell with the naysayers. I meditated and prayed and reminded myself of promises I made us both. I got shaky and worried about the logistics and what a big leap this is, and mind-dumped to my mom. In typical fashion, she told me to follow my heart, and it will all work out. I wouldn't be able to do this without her.
I'm starting my STARS online course today, and signing up for CPR classes. I hope to finish at least my STARS training this week, while Eli is in daycare for these last 4 days. From there, paperwork like crazy.
The biggest hurdle right now is finding the perfect house. It's hard and frustrating and I almost throw in the towel every time I look at Craigslist and come up empty handed or dreaming of something out of my price range. So I walk away from the frustration and play with Eli and breathe.
I close my eyes and dream of the perfect house, with the perfect yard. Warm and bright, cozy and clean. Full of love and laughter and growing up. Where Eli can grow and learn, where I can be a part of other childrens' lives - to nurture and respect and teach and love.
The idea of being present every day to raise my child has left me in joyful tears today. I've missed too much already, and his baby days are flashing by. I cannot stand to be apart from his journey anymore. And to couple that with the chance to be a part of other childrens' journeys, and ease dear parents' minds at who is helping guide their children - well, it's a dream I didn't know I was dreaming.
It's a long road I'm speeding down, but my heart is leading me, and I'm following faithfully.
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