self love: curves and all

Sitting in silence, staring.

I feel like something is coming to life, unfurling in my depths. I looked in the mirror, tired eyes and rushed makeup. I looked in the mirror, later, to see love reflected back.

I, as most all people do, have searched and struggled and wondered at this concept of self-love. The adage of loving yourself before anyone else is true, of course. But this journey of self acceptance turned love is big. And long. And not what I expected.

I want to write more about it, the real paths I took.

But now, I look at myself, tonight. And find my self confidence and strength and esteem comes from within. Not from the love or acceptance of anyone else. This confidence I thought surely tied to a tangled relationship? No. It's mine. Everything good this body is and does and feels and shows? It's mine. All mine.

I see comments about "if you don't love your body - change it" and my heart aches for these woman (and men). The assumption that changing the shape of you is necessary for your happiness is complete garbage. I look at pictures of me as a teenager and I was stick thin. I look at pictures of me now, and am only starting to recognize myself. I will never be 'thin' again. I will never 'skinny'.

And you know the truth? I don't want to be. I adore my curves, I own them. This body is mine. This body made a human, nourishes a human, and moves fucking mountains every.damn.day.

I make excuses like "I don't have the time to exercise", but the big fat truth is that I don't want to. After having my son, I felt a little shamed into 'losing weight' or 'toning'. But I don't actually want to. I want my body exactly how it is. Where is the shame in that? The shame in loving yourself?

This more more more change change change never be happy attitude that so many people have is so incredibly harming in every aspect of life. This idea that we must all find joy or satisfaction in exercise or physical self-'improvement' is, again, garbage.

I am pretty incredibly satisfied with my cupcakes, glass of wine, and all.the.damn.curves.