selfish pain

I have no reason, precisely, to feel like I do tonight.
Things are going well, the house is superficially clean, I have a jug of wine.

But what's absolutely ripping me apart right now is how little respect I feel. I...well, this is bitchy and selfish, I hope my genuine friends take it completely accurately.

I can't deal with my mom friends complaining about how much their husbands work, how hard it is...blah blah blah. I KNOW it is, and I am NOT disregarding your feelings. AT ALL. But, be here for a day. Feel this.

Feel the 100% 24/7 single parent life for just one day. I'm not saying I have it harder, I don't. But...this is not something you probably think about when you're lifting up another woman who's husband works all the time or doesn't appreciate her. That is shitty and awful and I'm so sorry. But...why is it that I feel no love sometimes?

My life is a constant. There is no built in break hand-off-the-kid. There is no income other than whatever I can scrape together. There is no other love in this house, there is no one to bounce parenting ideas off of. There is no one else. There is.no.break.

And yes, I have friends who will gladly babysit, and I am forever grateful. But leaving my boy with a babysitter is a huge fucking far cry from saying "honey, I need a few hours...can you watch the kids?" or dropping off at the other parent's house.

I've written this before, and nothing changes. Nothing will. I don't expect it, too.

I just...feel really really really angry tonight.

And yes, it's probably highly due to what-2-years-ago-looked-like memories. And how long it's been. And how hard it is. And...

Well, this is the pain.

There is so very much good it's astounding.

But this is the pain; unabridged.