A year ago today I found out I was pregnant.
A year ago today was one of the single hardest days of my life.
A year ago today I came close to terminating my pregnancy.
I don't really talk about that day. Because it soon became to irrelevant.
But, it is, really, very important. And worthy of a celebration. And tears.
A year ago today, I finally went to Rite Aid, bought two pregnancy tests, and told myself I was just paranoid. 3 long long minutes later I found myself on the floor. Sobbing is not an accurate measure.
Without the full story, which is something else entirely, Eli's biologic father is not, was not, won't ever be, a fit father. I knew that, but the hopehopehope was so strong I couldn't help but dream of a family.
Oh, the tears.
A year ago today I stared at 2 pink lines that I thought couldn't be true. My first thought, in fact, was "get it out". A year ago, I looked into exactly what an abortion entailed.
I am not against abortion in the broad sense, exactly. But I always 'knew' it wouldn't ever be a valid choice for me. But there I was, researching it so clinically. And then dissolving in tears and pain. And quiet almost-acceptance.
I had to have this baby. God, the Universe, my own whatever, gave me this collection of cells. And it was mine. And maybe for a while I viewed this as my consequence.
It destroys me a little to admit this, but I really didn't want to have this baby. I resented it, hated myself, hated my ex more than anything. Even farther than most people know, even once I made it public, I was so angry. Even, honestly, after Eli was born I struggled with the anger. Sometimes, even, still. It's a part of the story.
But back then, a year ago, I couldn't see anything good. I saw pain and struggle and anger and survival.
Now?
Everyone knows how deep my love and pride run for my little man. But what people don't know, never will understand, is how much I needed him. He made me a better person, and continues to every day. I live for him. I am stronger and more courageous. More loving and patient and honest. More bold, more sure, more confident. Love of my life.
And to think he almost didn't happen. To think I almost never got to meet him, look into those huge brown eyes. I almost never got to feel his hand reach out and hold on, hear his laughter, know his heart. I cannot fathom a life without this boy.
What I've never shared is all my guilt. It is worthless, but it is there. Over the terms of his conception, the choice of a bio father. Over my almost-termination of his life, over my anger and denial. It's big and strong and hurts to admit. But it's there. Guilt over all he hasn't had, and might never have.
I try my hardest to give him all the love and nurturing I can. I will, forever and always.
I'm just...floored, tonight. I look at his sweet, rosy cheeks as he sleeps so peacefully. And...my heart cannot contain this.
Sometimes I wish I could talk to my year-ago self and say you're about to fall in love for the very first time.
Nothing on earth ever prepared me for this.
Eli, my sweet baby boy. You are meant for me. I am meant for you. I am honored to be your mama.
