checkmarks and footsteps

I write this purely for myself, a documentation lest I forget.

I deserve so much better than I have sought for myself. Better than I have been given. Better than I thought I was worth.

It has taken me my life to realize and accept and announce this. So much heartbreak, soulbreak, mistake, and compromise. It has taken me what I looked at as failure, has taken me a strength I didn't know I possessed.

I moved on. One by one, those lingering what ifs were checked off. One by one, soldier on. Move forward, step and step again.

Some easy, quick like bandaids. Others hurt and drug out and never seemed complete. Were not, exactly, complete, until two days ago. Like a little bit of thunder and lightening, my heart just had enough. I had enough and looked with clear quiet eyes and soul. Is this what I deserve? The answer so obvious like everything else and I'm out.

And since?

So much better. Moving on, on, on. And the future looks sweet.
Like something I deserve.

And when I lose a little sight of how good I should have it, and think maybe about settling for less?

I look at my son with his big beautiful brown eyes looking so trustingly up at me. Wide, innocence grin. And think, he deserves the very best. And almost more than that? His pure, complete love for me has taught me what is possible in the world. And what hearts are capable of.

I feel full of love and yet there is so much room for more.

Ready. Set. Go.

warrior mama; warrior child

For all the future 'hard days' and 'big steps': it will be okay.

A full 7 hours away from mama. Eli was a gem. I ached in a really deep way. Mama bear separated from her cub. Now I understand that low, mournful bellow a mama cow makes when she is separated from her calf. I feel ya.

I got through by sheer willpower and distraction. Past the first few minutes at work, I was alright. A big tight hug held me together. Obvious.

Seeing my boy made all the dark clouds fly out of the evening sky.

Coming home, big smiles and sweet sweet nursing. My body missed you, too.

Now?

Crockpot chicken and dumplings, a glass of cold wine, a sleeping babe, and so much pride. For myself, for my son.

I look back at the last year. Wow. I look, I did look, at how hard I fought for him. I looked deeply at my choices and came to this conclusion:

I am a warrior, and I made this boy of strength and love.

I worry and worry about the challenges he might face, and the heartbreak, and so much more. But then I remember:

We are sweet sweet warriors.

mama always comes back

Dear Eli James,

I haven't written to you much. Because I know you know how deep my love for you runs. That I would move mountains for you. You, my dear sweet boy, are the sun and moon and stars. You are everything good and sweet and magic in my life.
I go back to work tomorrow and it hurts mama so much. I want nothing more than to spend everyday looking into your big brown eyes and playing Baby Airplane. Smooches and squeals and laughter and nursing away all the bad feelings. But I can't. Because mama has to do a lot. Mama has to make money so she can take care of herself and you. Because mama is really really strong, and she needs you to be really really strong, too. I told you that tonight and you smiled at me. I think you understand. You always have.

Eli, you are something really special. I didn't plan on meeting you, didn't plan any of this. But when we're snuggled up close and I think about how perfect you, I can't imagine my life any other way. It took me a little while to get there. At first I was sad and confused, but now I'm so happy every moment I'm with you. Even when you're crying and upset and mama doesn't know how to fix it just yet. I'm happy even then, because I have you. Because you've made mama a better person, a happier person. You've given mama the whole wide world.

So I want you to know, when I go tomorrow that I won't be gone for long. That I will always be back for you. Because you own my heart and soul.

Because mama always comes back.

Love,
Your mama forever

time is shifting; so am I

It is officially fall today.

Not because my calendar says so, but for many little reasons.

It smells like fall outside my windows, and I can tell the trees are starting to get ready.
Sunsets are earlier and earlier every night, sneaking darkness in so quickly. I'll hate that in a few months, but right now it's so cozy.
I have fresh Honeycrisp apples, and pumpkins aren't far away.
Big cozy socks on my feet and hot tea in my hands.

It was foggy and chilly late last night, and somehow when I woke up snuggled deep in blankets and baby, it was fall. And I am overjoyed!

Life is so sweet. So hard and challenging and so damned sweet.

Carrot cake cookies in the oven, and a lovely split pea soup will be bubbling away for dinner soon.

I feel quiet today. Alone and quiet and nice.

The summer was a big rush of energy and movement and change, too busy and full and hard and good. Fall? It's going to be different, somehow. Busier, harder, and yet I feel more myself than I have in a while. More quiet and in touch and in tune. In control and taking charge and still going completely with the flow.

Fantastic things are coming!

checkmate

It's little things. And big things. Quiet moments and looks and honesty right along side these heartbreaking days full of so much distance. When asked now how things are, I shrug and I say I try while tears well.

And thus my heart is summed. Try and try and to what avail? Long drive to choke back tears, darkness feels good and I bury my face in sweet baby skin. I tell him mama's heartbroken but it'll be okay. And let it finally really hurt.

Sit here now, even. Big tears and hard words. It's silly somehow and shouldn't hurt so bad but oh it does. Like some final straw in my heart's game. I needed a final move to crown a winner and a loser. But I think I know now we've both lost a little. And I'm done playing.

I want a final showdown. Green to grey and tell me or at least listen. Heart on my sleeve and throw it away. You know me more than you think and I understand more than I'll ever tell.

Why is it that I always see the best, hope the best, believe the best? Someday I want someone to prove me right.