checkmarks and footsteps

I write this purely for myself, a documentation lest I forget.

I deserve so much better than I have sought for myself. Better than I have been given. Better than I thought I was worth.

It has taken me my life to realize and accept and announce this. So much heartbreak, soulbreak, mistake, and compromise. It has taken me what I looked at as failure, has taken me a strength I didn't know I possessed.

I moved on. One by one, those lingering what ifs were checked off. One by one, soldier on. Move forward, step and step again.

Some easy, quick like bandaids. Others hurt and drug out and never seemed complete. Were not, exactly, complete, until two days ago. Like a little bit of thunder and lightening, my heart just had enough. I had enough and looked with clear quiet eyes and soul. Is this what I deserve? The answer so obvious like everything else and I'm out.

And since?

So much better. Moving on, on, on. And the future looks sweet.
Like something I deserve.

And when I lose a little sight of how good I should have it, and think maybe about settling for less?

I look at my son with his big beautiful brown eyes looking so trustingly up at me. Wide, innocence grin. And think, he deserves the very best. And almost more than that? His pure, complete love for me has taught me what is possible in the world. And what hearts are capable of.

I feel full of love and yet there is so much room for more.

Ready. Set. Go.