beyond the package; a little irony

We are all, more or less, seeking that other person who...well, what? Perfectly compliments us? Or utterly matches us?

I feel this battle, this internal debate near constantly. They say that opposites attract, but I think we've all learned that mere attraction only runs so deep. And your "perfect match" is "out there" (Match.com anyone? Been there. Lived that.), but if someone absolutely matches me, that is a recipe for boredom.

If my current not-really dating life, it's so much different than BB (Before Baby). I'm not just going with the flow or 'seeing where this leads' or even, really, completely, 'living in the moment'. Probably not good. But, right now, if there isn't a solid future potential there's just no point. I don't have the time or energy or head/heart space for that.

I have finally perhaps become the I Want A Husband girl. I really didn't intend to be this girl at 24. Or, maybe, ever. But I want a home, with a man to come home to (or oh goodness, who comes home to me), babies under foot, white picket damn fence.

And as I write this I think woman, this is what you've always wanted. Since I was toddling around kissing my babydolls. I am made to be a mother, and made to be a wife. Made to make a home. It is my heart.

Thus, a husband. Am I avidly searching? No.

But in half-assed 'dating' attempts, I realize and question so much. (Data gathering, right mom?)

How much 'perfect match' vs 'intriguing opposite' do I really want in a partner? And where does blind love take you? I know that really out of control love can lead you (me) down imperfect roads. Hard roads. And animal attraction? It's fun, but it's ultimately lonely. I have dreams of who I might end up with, and it's all lovely. But reality? Reality is that love is so undefinable, and uncontrollable.

Will I fall in love with a man who shares my every parenting practice? Who is my awkward blend of hippie and redneck? Will I find a person who wants exactly the same type of house I do? The same number of kids? The same taste in music and love for literature?

Probably not. And how much do those things matter? I've blamed those differences for a failed relationship, for...years. But then I realize it was so.much.bigger.

So what is really the key combination? I know there are no answers, but my questions are so so huge tonight. They feel as if they take all the space inside me. Push the air and fear out and oh how I dream dream of love. I doubt it, maybe still a little. But never fully. I half hearted worry that I'll dive down the wrong path again, get hurt all over. End up 'wasting' another year. Get caught up in how something looks and what could be and push too hard. Because it's all really heavy.

And then, I focus hard on how I want it to feel. And try to trust in the delivery.

clarity; comprehension; compassion

I'm working oh so hard on January. Trying to love a month I don't naturally. Trying to find a balance and peace in life limbo. Trying to love and accept myself, to grow.

My world these days is big and wide and sort of lonely. Long days at home while sweet baby is at daycare. Trying (so much trying) to keep up a routine for when I am working again. I think so much in these days. The emotions are big and hard. And sometimes great. And then I see this boy's face split open in a grin that's just for me and my world shrinks down again to slobbery kisses.

Late at night I sit and think and can't sleep. It's quiet. It's still. The tears pour, and my heart seems more sure. Light of day can blind and awaken, but nighttime is the time for warm dreams.

I didn't start this year with resolutions simply because it was a new year. This was a giant shift, a transition time in my life. From living the life that was handed to me, to choosing deliberately where next to step.

This year, this time in my life, is about a few things. Big things.

Forgiveness. Not for anyone else, but for myself. Forgiving people who have hurt me, hurt the ones I love. Abandoned, betrayed, disappointed. And ultimately, it's about forgiving myself. That one is the absolute hardest.

Trust. Forgiveness and trust walk hand in hand. And so, not only and not so much, do I intend to learn trust for other, but mostly and absolutely I have to be able to trust myself again. That trust, in my own judgement, was so violently shaken in the past 2 years, that I have a hard time believing myself.  It will come, I believe, in time.

Love. Forgiveness and trust wrap love up in a big warm hug. Of course, I will forever dream, dreamer that I am, of the Big Love. But, my love for everything, for life, is blooming again. I focus, quiet my mind, and let the love pour out. For my son, it is easy. Oh, he has taught me love again. Love like nothing else. But I learn also, again and again, to love myself.

And the present, the gift of the now. I am such a dreamer, that I am always remembering the past or fantasizing about the future, and sometimes I'm letting the present moment slip by my eyes and by my heart. Again, I take a beat and look at this little being who is growing upsofast and my heart skids to a stop. Forget everything else. Live right here in this big little minute forever with baby laughter games and big big eyes that look at you like you're his whole wide world. Every day, every single day.

And ultimately, newly for me, the challenge of action. I am not a woman of action. I am a woman of thought and dreams and pro/con lists. I am a follow-my-heart-but-only-after-years-of-deliberation woman. I don't want to wait years, anymore. I want to take big bold action. It's muddled up with trust, again. Trust that if I fall I'll be okay. Because, honestly: I thought I fell too hard to survive. Instead, I made two lives.

2014, I'm ready for you. I'm ready for everything.