clarity; comprehension; compassion

I'm working oh so hard on January. Trying to love a month I don't naturally. Trying to find a balance and peace in life limbo. Trying to love and accept myself, to grow.

My world these days is big and wide and sort of lonely. Long days at home while sweet baby is at daycare. Trying (so much trying) to keep up a routine for when I am working again. I think so much in these days. The emotions are big and hard. And sometimes great. And then I see this boy's face split open in a grin that's just for me and my world shrinks down again to slobbery kisses.

Late at night I sit and think and can't sleep. It's quiet. It's still. The tears pour, and my heart seems more sure. Light of day can blind and awaken, but nighttime is the time for warm dreams.

I didn't start this year with resolutions simply because it was a new year. This was a giant shift, a transition time in my life. From living the life that was handed to me, to choosing deliberately where next to step.

This year, this time in my life, is about a few things. Big things.

Forgiveness. Not for anyone else, but for myself. Forgiving people who have hurt me, hurt the ones I love. Abandoned, betrayed, disappointed. And ultimately, it's about forgiving myself. That one is the absolute hardest.

Trust. Forgiveness and trust walk hand in hand. And so, not only and not so much, do I intend to learn trust for other, but mostly and absolutely I have to be able to trust myself again. That trust, in my own judgement, was so violently shaken in the past 2 years, that I have a hard time believing myself.  It will come, I believe, in time.

Love. Forgiveness and trust wrap love up in a big warm hug. Of course, I will forever dream, dreamer that I am, of the Big Love. But, my love for everything, for life, is blooming again. I focus, quiet my mind, and let the love pour out. For my son, it is easy. Oh, he has taught me love again. Love like nothing else. But I learn also, again and again, to love myself.

And the present, the gift of the now. I am such a dreamer, that I am always remembering the past or fantasizing about the future, and sometimes I'm letting the present moment slip by my eyes and by my heart. Again, I take a beat and look at this little being who is growing upsofast and my heart skids to a stop. Forget everything else. Live right here in this big little minute forever with baby laughter games and big big eyes that look at you like you're his whole wide world. Every day, every single day.

And ultimately, newly for me, the challenge of action. I am not a woman of action. I am a woman of thought and dreams and pro/con lists. I am a follow-my-heart-but-only-after-years-of-deliberation woman. I don't want to wait years, anymore. I want to take big bold action. It's muddled up with trust, again. Trust that if I fall I'll be okay. Because, honestly: I thought I fell too hard to survive. Instead, I made two lives.

2014, I'm ready for you. I'm ready for everything.