I wish someone had told me. Not the hard parts. Not the sleep problems, the frustration, the worry, the heartache. I wish instead, someone would have been able to convey to me that absolute love.
I wish I could have told the me then exactly how it would feel, and what to say when asked "why would you keep this baby?"
He is made for me. Out of starlight and fire and the ocean and all the good things in the universe. He is mine and mine alone. This baby is the whole breadth of my soul. I was made to make him. I've said this a million times before, and realize each time that words don't come close.
In the midst of sleepless nights and big emotions for us both, I check myself. Walk away, reset, apologize for mamas shortcomings, and kiss pudgy cheeks. I breathe in his warm milky breath, and soak up his laughter and big big smiles just for me. My heart has no more room in it, and yet grows wider with every day.
I wish I knew back then to say "Because I am ready for unconditional love".
I look at our little, flawed and faulted life, and take the moments needed to realize all he needs is me. And to be present. To say fuck the dishes and all the 'should be done's. Forget what isn't happening, just for this moment. Lay in bed at 6pm and let him bat at your face. Snuggle snuggle snuggle close and don't worry about tomorrow or yesterday.
Today, today is always ours.
