Life, and most importantly, motherhood, is a balancing act.
Lately I've been soaking it up. The dishes can wait, the laundry can pile up. I just soak up the baby kisses and long nurses and all his big learning and growing. And all the laughter. This kid is a giggle machine, and it's so magical - best music on earth.
This leads me to a quiet peace and comfort I found tonight. I've been a wound-up, stressed-out mess the past couple weeks. I will fully admit how awfully I deal with waiting and 'limbo'. I've been in some sort of limbo for a long time now, but once I finally set my sights on my Big Goal, I just wanted it. Right then, in that moment. Unfortunately, the Universe had other ideas.
I found my perfect little dream home. In my price range, great location, big yard, fantastic landlady. Everything. My heart pretty nearly explodes every time I drive by it. (Secretly -- oops -- I have huge huge hope wish dreamy dreams about this house for the future).
I took no time in applying, and went to sign the lease weeks ago. To find out the house had been broken into and vandalized. I was so shook up. I went ahead with the lease and we worked out details of getting everything fixed. But I was so shaken and so hurt. I couldn't figure it out, couldn't place the emotion, until late that night. That was my home. It wasn't yet, but it was in my heart.
And it has taken so much longer to even start the work that needs to be done. Waiting on the insurance check, my move in date has been pushed out further and further and is now a full month after I was originally scheduled to move in. It's hard, and frustrating, and maddening. I cannot start making an income until I move in, I can't move forward. I am angry and frustrated and sad.
And then tonight I realized how lucky I am that I have had this time with Eli. I know the moment I get the go-ahead, it will be a mad whirlwind of packing, moving, unpacking, working working working. I might have missed the revelry of his first steps, or not felt I had the time to nurse all day and snuggle just because. He's growing fast and in leaps and bounds. I don't want to miss a single becoming-rare quiet moment with him.
And so, 2 weeks will fly by. I will move, and settle into our home. I will line the mantle with candles, the walls with pictures, and the windowsills with plants. I will work and love in this home for years. I can wait for that.
And when I'm sad or frustrated, I take a quick drive by my house and a grin lights up my face. I tell Eli that's your home.
I think perhaps some people don't understand the magnitude of this move for me. Or what this house and home means to me. It means family and life and love, it means the ability to stay home with my boy. It is the home Eli will grow in, and a home I can finally be proud of. It will be mine, as I am now. This is a dream, more than I knew I had been dreaming.
It's nothing fancy, it's quirky and special and sweet. It's bright and homey and honest. This house, this home, has roots and a soul - a personality. I'm aching to learn it's unique noises and shadows and creaks in the floor. I'm dying to pour my own family love into it and paint the walls with child's laughter.
I never thought a house could mean so much to me.
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