spring cleanse; closure

Spring is always a fresh start for me, a new beginning. I don't do new years resolutions, but I do spring cleanses.

There are many this year.

And one of biggest?

Finding closure.

I have always needed a finality to everything. Jobs, relationships, everything. I need to know what happened, why, what did I do wrong/right, is there anything more I can do, etc. etc. I cannot walk away without 'closure'.

I am working incredibly hard on finding closure internally. To stop seeking, demanding, and requiring closure from another person. To instead find a way to peace and acceptance in my own heart.

This is coming on the heels of a big fat I'm-not-over-you week. It's been hard and emotional and came out of the blue. (Really, it didn't. Really I totally know why). When someone who means something big and real to you just disappears, vanishes from your life, it's damn hard to find any closure or peace. To move on in any real way.

And in the wake of moving, and everything leaving this place means (the bittersweet tears are flowing already), there is another lack of closure. A why-don't-I-hate-you-more open-ended string of questions.

The first step here, for me, in both?

Don't push away my memories or feelings. Feel all the feelings. Remember all the details. Remember the good, feel the love. Because that was part of it, too. Burying the positive feelings is not a step along the path to peace.

What is that step? Letting my heart feel what it needs to feel. Allowing myself that.

Do I want to daydream about what could have been? Allowing myself moments for that. Does something make me remember that certain smile? Allowing myself that memory.

I have focused on the bad to forget the good, and that's not the right direction to be taking.

It's hard, and it hurts. Like hell.

But this process needs to happen. Two fold over.