I've been thinking long and hard about relationships of late. The people who I am friends with, who I work to be friends with, and those who are effortlessly there.
I am forever known to be the one in every relationship to try the hardest. Always trying to 'make it work' and 'put in the effort'. Especially my friendships. I've lost of lot of friends in the last couple years - and some stung more than others.
But what I've been thinking about, in the wake of a really rough couple weeks that tested everything, is who fills up my soul.
Who, when the shit goes down, do I seek out for that undeniable lift? Not the fun friend, not the oldest friend, not the mom friend who might 'get it'. But the people who, even during the briefest of conversations, completely lift my spirit and fill up my soul.
I am by nature a solo artist. I'm 'too independent', and a whole other list of adjective that make me essentially hard up for quality relationships. I am introverted - being alone is where I go to fill up my soul and find joy and peace. Crowds give me anxiety, and even most friendships.
But here's the point, the crux of this post:
I have this collection of people who feel like home. Who fill up my soul with only a hello. Who understand me without my explanation. Who say the things that make sense, and make me feel whole - without ever knowing that's what they're doing or asking anything in return.
These people have come to me in all the strangest, most random ways. But having them in my life is so incredibly sweet and I know I'm richer for it.
Somehow, even in knowing this, I didn't relate it to romantic relationships. I never internally demanded that connectedness from a romantic partner. I don't know why, because obviously that is one of, in not the, biggest and most influential relationship one has.
Realizing this came as an amazing shock. And I can guarantee I'll never be the same.
For those people who fill up my soul, I can only hope I do the same for them.
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