peace

It's so strange how wonderful it feels to sit down and type on my computer. I so rarely get the chance, and haven't had more than a few moments to myself for the better part of a week.

I don't know what to write, except that I feel a fog lift. A fog that's lingered for a really long time.

The journey of the past couple years has been hard. And the journey of the last 6 months has tested me more than I could have imagined.

I didn't really realize the toll it took. How hard it is for me to trust the people I should the most. I haven't experienced that level of backstabbing, bullying, lying, and overall deceit since high school. I didn't know adults could act that way. It's been incredibly hard to believe in the good.

I am discovering, in tears, that I have been waiting for the other shoe to drop for months. My experience with my previous landlord was so incredibly awful that I just keep expecting something to fall apart here. And I can't let go of that and trust and believe this is home. I'm starting to. I like going weeks without hearing from my landlords, and yet knowing they'd be here in a minute if I needed it.

I have experienced deep deep deep betrayal, and distrust of myself. I'm done talking about it because it's old news. But 2 years ago right now was the hardest time of my life. I didn't know if I'd make it through. I don't even feel sad anymore. I just feel...done. Maybe 2 years is long enough to start getting real distance. I know there will never be any real closure, but there's an end to the daily anxiety. And that's something huge.

Most recently, and what tipped me over the edge, was a kind of passive aggressive bullying I didn't ever expect. While, of course, wrong and misguided and awful, I'm sorry I gave this person that ammunition. And, perhaps in turn, the pain, to lash out. This won't be read by said individual, but maybe if I put it out there. I'm deeply sorry what I shared hurt you, I am. You should know me enough to know I didn't intend that. I hope you can see beyond mere words and see who I am, see that what I shared doesn't define who I am in any way. Mostly, I hope you find peace.

My life is just so incredibly odd sometimes. It has led me places I couldn't imagine. I would have nearly none of my closest friends if it wasn't for my darling baby. I can't imagine what I would be doing, or where my heart would be.

I know I feel a bit of peace tonight. I cannot explain where it's finally come from, just that it is there.

I am at peace with whomever chooses to be in my life, and whomever chooses not to. I am at peace with my own choices, and mostly:

I am at peace with who I am.