what's in a name

I wanted to take a minute and explain the name of this blog. Mostly because I think it really sums up my experiences thus far, what I've learned from being a mama, and the kind of parent I am - and hope to be in the future.

Quiet background is this: my son's father is absolutely out of the picture. A lot of people think this means he just isn't involved, but he knows nothing beyond "I'm pregnant". It isn't ideal, but in this particular situation, it's absolutely the best option!

This is hard, some days. Harder when I was pregnant, actually. And in the very first highly hormonal I-can't-do-this-why-isn't-he-here days. Now? I'm okay. I really am. But mostly I'm sad for my son. Because he won't know his father, at least not for many years. It has made my place in his life big.

How do I say this? I'm everything. I'm mama-papa. I'm his whole world.

And I still have to provide a roof and food and safety for him, for us. This means working, and for now this means working outside of the home. This breaks my ever-loving heart. Into big shattered pieces. But I'm accepting it.

Because of this, and the guilt that surrounds me some days when I think about 'leaving' him, I'm trying to ease us both into the idea of being apart. For the first weeks, baby boy was always nursing to sleep. I was fine with that, I never wanted to let my sweet smelling newborn out of my arms. Now, I know I need to get him (and me) used to space and time apart. And truly, it's good for us even now.

In the midst of this gentle 'sleep training', I would lay his sleepy self down and walk away. Crying, mama's heart hurting. 10 seconds, and I'd go back and kiss him.

"Mama's right here. Mama always comes back."

20 seconds, maybe 30. Go back, kiss and touch.

"Mama's here. Mama never leaves for good. Mama always comes back."

This has become our mantra. I want to instill in him that mama will never ever leave for good. Mama will always love him, will always be here, will always come back.

I can't explain this, and it certainly wasn't conscious word choice. It simply spilled from my lips and tears followed.

Mama always comes back, baby.